Baby - another one!!

My graduation

Marido and I graduated on the 26th Jan (Australia day) in our beautiful Nottingham University Campus in Semenyih. Whoohoo! It was really lovely that we could celebrate this momentous occasion together... another memory we are making!

The ceremony kinda reminded me of something out of Harry Potter..;)

Buying prams

Sheesh! I did not realise that it was so hard to choose a pram. Here were my options :

Brand, Model, Price, Includes, Weight
Peg Perego, Pliko P3, RM2299, pram plus car seat carrier, 8kgs without car carrier
Maclaren, Techno XLR, RM1799, pram only, 7.8kgs without car carrier
Combi, 5 way stroller, RM2299 , pram plus car seat carrier, 4.2kg without car carrier

All the strollers/prams could recline about 170 degrees (not fully but good enough. I was really in favour of the lightweight Combi (Japanese) strollers but Marido found that he had to hunch down to push the pram and he kept on kicking it too. I was also keen on the Maclaren but after bringing my sister along, she noticed that the padding on the Maclaren was too thin and not suitable for newborns which needed more comfortable surroundings. So, I got the P3 in the end. Heavy but let's hope it will be useful and hardy for travelling.

Weight and waistline

1st month - 50kgs and about 26 inches in waist
2nd month - 48kgs and about 25 inches in waist
3rd month - 45 kgs and about 27 inches in waist
4th month - 50kgs and about ????
5th month - 53kgs and about ????
5 1/2 month -55kgs and about 34 inches in waist
6th month - 56 kgs and about 38 inches in waist (yicks!)
7th months - not yet

Driving to work

I have started driving to work starting Jan.

Surprisingly, it was not as hard as I thought. Altho I do have doubts about the sudden cramps in the legs that I get and therefore I might crash the car…. But generally, the drive (half hour to and one hour back) is still manageable. However, I never had to go through one hour drive back in my previous job (sob! It was only 10 mins). Traffic in PJ/KL is bad….

Work! There are 2 obvious camps. When I am with one…. The other get suspicious and when I with the other, the first one wonders if they sud be telling me things in case I report it to the 2^nd. Sigh! What a disunited group! Never had this problem before.

Marido has been away for the whole week. I was actually quite apprehensive about him going off and leaving me behind cos I tend to feel a little ill after work and may need to be ferried around for food. Fortunately, this week was great. I managed to have dinner with good friends and with great food! What a treat! I tried this organic shop called Organic Café at Bangunan Siti Hasmah at Tmn Tun near Kiara walk. Pretty good.

Greeting the new year

I woke up on New Year's Day and proceeded to eat a piece of fruit cake from the fridge. Festive mah! Then half an hour later, I was found throwing up in the toilet. That ruined the rest of the day for me… I was feeling lousy all day. What a great way to start the year. Imagine.. at 20 weeks pregnant, I was still throwing up. 2 days later, after lunch with my colleagues (I am not sure whether it was the warm temperature at the hawker shop or the oily char kuey teow or the ‘juicy’ piece of information I found out about my boss) I promptly threw up everything down the toilet bowl in the office. Then I proceeded to throw up whatever water I tried to drink. By 6pm, I was ready to faint. What a day.

Also, while in meetings, when the room is stuffy, I find myself drifting away… It never used to be this way. I must be psycho for starting a new job when I am pregnant. But I am still very very blessed to be able to get the job. So I shall persevere. And.. ooh! I just found out that I am going to handle a new promising project.

Gaining weight

On the recent visit to the gynae on the 2nd Jan (on my 20 week), I noticed that my weight was about 52kgs... which mean that from the 4th month onward (ie when I started work), i gained one kg a week... wowee! If this keeps up, by the time i reach 40 weeks, i wud have gained another 20kgs thus being 72kg... totally unacceptable!


I doubt that i will last until week 40. Very likely I deliver before week 37 (since I am having twins and hence there is not much space for them anymore).


The 20 week scan took one hour by the sonographer. Babies look fine and healthy as detailed by the expert. Also, I found out that that they are hamburgers... (not hotdogs). Yup! 2 girls. I do feel that my mission seems not completed without a boy. After all, Marido already has a girl so these 2 girls don't seem that special anymore. Sigh! I sud be happy though but I can't help feeling a little disappointed.

My 2nd day at work

Today is Tuesday.. my second day at work. So far so good but yesterday I was in near hysterics. Being pregnant certainly makes you more of a chicken than ever. Driving around seems like a chore and so I got Marido to send me to the office in PJ at 8 in the morning and we got there at 8.30am.. not much traffic as its school holidays. I was dreading the cab ride that I foresee i will be taking as my actual office for the next month is in KL. The entire dept is due to move to PJ but since renovations would take some time, I was to be stationed at KL after meeting my superior yesterday morning.

Then the boss told me that I have a training session for several days in a hotel and so he dropped me off at the hotel (so nice of him). At the end of the day.. 6pm.. of the training, my bum was aching and I felt rather ill. How am I supposed to get on tomorrow.. i wondered.. is going back to work a psycho thing to do? I was exhausted at the end of the day. Marido figured out that this was probably the most exhausting day in the last 4 months that I was pregnant and not working!

Well, this morning, I found it so hard to crawl out of bed even though I went to bed at 10.30pm the night before. Marido drove me to work today.... I was like a stoned person until I reached KL. Fortunately, by the time training started, I was not feeling as bad as yesterday.. altho the bum is still aching from sitting for so long... well.. I think all preggie women experience that!

More to blog later I hope about my work adventure!

Decision to rejoin the workforce

When I announced to my friends about my decision to rejoin the workforce 2 months ago.. I was just surprised by how much people cared about me. I had so many opinions given to me (all which were valid and honest) that I got a bit confused about that decision to go back to work.

Many people said that they would quit work immediately upon hearing that they have twins. You know.. twins... higher risk blah. However.. none of these women were mengangguring for the last 6 months or had invest quite a large sum of money on a post graduate education a year before that.

I do know that twins carry a higher amount of risk but according to medical books... the risk are not that much higher than a singleton. The mother-to-be may be a little more exhausted than a singleton carrying mum but it does not mean that the mum cannot work. I don't deny that i will have a harder time than most people. Well.. in the end.. the decision to go back to work is a mix of so many things that I have weighted. However, if by the end of this month and I am still not over the vomitting.. I shall concede defeat and give up the job. In the meantime.. I am excited about going back to work. That put a smile on my face (other than when I found out I was carrying twins).

Here's to a successful venture! And happy twins!

Baby Jared

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I suspect that I had this! What is it? According to "What to Expect when you are Expecting- 3rd Ed", HG is an exaggerated from of morning sickness, characterized by excessive vomitting, which probably occurs in fewer than 1 in 200 pregnancies. It is more common in first-tim mums, young mums, obese women, multiple carrying mums.

I seem to have all the signs and symptoms for it.
1) Nausea and vomiting of early pregnancy is unusually frequent and severe (it may be almost impossible to keep anything down)
2) Infrequent urination and urine that is dark yellow (signs of dehydration from loss of fluids thru vomiting) *my urine looked like orange juice... seriously!
3) Weight loss of greater than 5% or original body weight *mine is 10%
4) Blood in the vomited material *yeck!

Fortunately my practitioner did not ask me to grin and bear it....like my sister's doctor. I was prescribed medication that helped quell the nausea so that I did not vomit as much. The doctor also told me to quit eating all vitamins as the iron in them made it worse. I was advised to eat only things that I could stomach... which in my case was all the horribly unhealthy food which I never like eating like potato chips, bread, porridge and biscuits... blek! But somehow my body accepted it more than fruits or vegetables.

I am pregnant with twins!

It's official. I have twins!....And I have lost 10 percent of my body weight due to the 'all day sickness' in the last 7 weeks. I am now at about 45kgs (considering i am supposed to have put on 3kgs by the 3rd trimester... this is terrible! But doctor assures me that this is normal with people who have twins).

I have noticed that my eyesight is going too.. probably due to dehydration. Not too severe.. I still go to the toilet once in while but this is the first time, this leaky bladder person has gotten up in the morning and does not go the toilet to urinate. Most of the time, before I end up in bed at night, I spent a lot of time throwing up whenever i ate or drank 2 hours prior to that... so guess not that much fluid stays in. And everytime I drink, I will throw up... yucks! Plain water has become such a torture to drink.. and I used to only drink plain water. Now, all my drinks have to be laced with sugar... Ribena being my favourite!

I wished someone had insisted that I cut my hair short the moment i got pregnant. Now, with the debilitating nausea and vomiting, I have hardly any energy to shower or wash my back length hair. What a torture. The moment my nausea lifts, I am going to chop it off (as much as I dare without incuring Hubby's delicate sensibilities about my lovely locks).

Many times, I feel like crying.. and sometimes.. actually about 3-4 times I did... the vomitting is so painful and heart wrenching. Going through the violent reaction of the body heaving up and down during a throwing up session reminds me of dying. And also like running a 100m sprint at each chuck-up. I feel so breathless and most times I just collapse on the toilet floor trying to regain my breath. Sometimes I am so helpless that all I can do is pray. Oh God, please take this cup away from me... yet not my will but yours be done!

Don't get me wrong.. I am happy with this pregnancy.. and the happy twins. It's just that I had not imagined the morning sickness to be so bad. My gynae reassures me that this is normal for a twin carrier and has prescribed 3 types of antiemetic and antacid for me (Maxolon, Citamedine and Milk of Magnesia). Somedays, I am good without throwing up but the nausea is there which prevents me from eating much except rather plain porridge, salty wheat crackers and an occasional half cup of Milo (even that.. my body rejects the milk in the Milo). Other days, even with the antiemetic, I still throw up like no tomorrow.

I had decided to get help from the doctor when one day, I had 10 sessions of throwing up in my 8 week. Then even with the medication, in my middle of the 9th week, I had 20 sessions of chuck-up. It was truly very horrifying to see blood in my vomit and feel the pain in my chest or whatever part that was engaged in the vomiting. I suppose, I would have been superwoman to not have cried during this time. I must however attribute my fortitude to the fact that I was not working and need not feel mega guilty about not being able to give my best to my work.

I thank God daily for allowing me the luxury of not working in this stressful time of my life. God.. U know how much I can bear.... thank you for carrying my cross!

Marido's New Ipod Nano

Dang! The man had to get a new toy! Esp when I just bought a refurbished Zen Micro for a song.. and he had to be the first person in Malaysia to buy the retail version at the Apple Shop in KLCC. And dang! It's soooo cute! It's a piece of art.. so gorgeous.. just compare it to my Zen Micro.Is there any battle that needs to be going on??

More Quotes

"A picture does not paint a thousand words for me. A thousand words does"- sometimes I think that it would be so nice to not just get photos but also the running commentary of that photo so that you truly feel the 'trueness' of the scene.

"If I have told you once, I .. er... only have told you once" - seriously, if you only told me once.. I need reminders you know!

Anti-Climax

This was written last month but was never finished...

The months of doing my research for my dissertation has ended. Marido cautions that I may fall into a mini depression as I am apt to do when I finish a big project or complete a dream. So here is life-long dream no 3. Now I wonder what is next...

1) Visit Spain - Completed in 2001
2) Get a pet - Completed in 2006
3) Get an MBA -Completed in 2007

oh yes.. i am feeling a little blue these days. Contrary to popular opinion, I do want to get back to the work force. But I am kinda fussy.... after all I am going to spend most of my waking hours on the job... better pick a good one! However, Jobs are not aplenty these days. I have gone for 5 interviews but there was no outcome. One interview that I went to in July still has not got back to me yet. They said that they are waiting for the Director to have time to meet the candidates. I wish that they could have just said that the position is closed!! I had a good experience with one companny.. they wrote a lovely email stating that my experience happens not to be what they are looking at right now.... well, at least they wrote and did not keep me waiting. (they are a small company with only 10 people).

oh well, one day at a time. In the meantime I best enjoy my lazy days of waking up at 9am... and being able to play with Nimbus endlessly. And best of all read... Just finished "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho. Moving but bizarre as most of his books are. Now reading "For Whom the Bells Tolls" by Ernest Hemmingway.

And onwards to more goals in life!!

The Dream Church

Last Sunday 2^nd September 2007, I celebrated the opening and dedication of a very significant spiritual place in my life. My church DUMC (Damansara Utama Methodist Church) had just moved to a new facility and it's called the Dream Center. The tagline “Where dreams come alive!”.. where shattered dreams have a chance to live again. I have never seen so many people in DUMC in one service before. 4,000 people! It was awesome - as the Americans would say!.

A comment from one of our church members Coolcat is her nickname– "The worship and celebration were amazing. I'd felt like I'm in one of those Singaporean mega churches except that I have actually been in this church for the past 5 years. I actually know most of the people on the frontlines. I do feel very much at home in the church. Also, I was there during the church's 25th anniversary dinner where Senior Pastor Daniel Ho first announced the blue print for Dream Center. And two years later, the Dream Center came into being. I looked around me and could hardly believe that all these has come to pass in such a short time."

Our auditorium in Dream Centre (Hall 1) can seat 3000 people. You know, the Music and Worship Ministry Team (that’s my team) had to sit on the floor and the staircase.. there was just so many people. We were so excited about the people’s turn out. What a great blessing to be able to be part of a large church. I believe in days to come, DUMC will be a force to be reckoned with… something that is a good thing in our increasingly Islamic country.

I joined the choir about 2 months back. So try to find me in the pix. Give up?

I am the 2^nd from the right.. actually you cannot really see me.. my hair is chopped off but you can see my pearl belt against the black pants (no one else was wearing a belt). Well that’s me. I was supposed to be 2^nd row.. in which case, the photo would have been useless but I was moved to the front and so there you go- a picture of me with top part of my head lopped off. How cool is that!!

Well.. it was exhausting practising for the choir,… we spent 17 hours just last week in preparation. It was incredible the amount of work is needed for a 3 hour production! We had to do sound check, lighting check, order of events, flow of people, traffic. But it was exhilarating. I am glad to be part of this!

Watching Harry Potter 5 with Harry

This is my Malaysian Harry Potter. I dragged him to watch HP5. As expected, he yawned and stretched like a cat during the show. I had warned him that it would be boring for a non Potterhead. I was of course riveted by the show.

I had wanted him to don the same expression as Daniel Radcliffe in the poster but he refused! Too bad he was wearing an orange shirt!! If he had worned a blue shirt and the right expression as well as relaxing his spiky hair, I think that he would really look like the poster. I showed this pic to 2 social workers friends of mine and they were amazed at the likeness. Do you think they look alike?

Life on Hold again!

So.. this may not be the official picture of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but hey! I like this picture.. at least they look happy! Well.. I am going to stick my nose into the book in about half an hour... *shivers down my spine*

Three Men ... and A Woman in a Boat

I was in the middle of the Indian ocean. The dark clouds started to gather in the sky above and the previously deep blue sea turned to black. I was sitting atop a boat that looked like it was made in the last century. At first it only drizzled... "You must come into the shelter Ma'am.. it's going to storm!" cried the boatman.

Just as I ducked under the arch that lead behind a pane of glass, the boat edged into the fury of the storm. Rain and seawater came from every side as the boat tossed and turned as it tried to go back to the island. We were hopelessly wet. The boatman yelled for me to wrap a towel around me. I could hardly hear him above the roar of the ocean and thunder claps. At the stern of the boat, the navigator was trying his best to steer the boat by using his leg to move the rudder. If the situation wasn't so dire, I would have laughed to see his frantic actions that looked like a cross between taekwondo and dancing.

The sea swelled and the waves got higher and higher. When I looked behind, I could see the dark sky and the ominous sea interchange as the boat rocked wildly. Didn't I say I wanted adventure as I stepped into the boat that morning to look for dolphins? Was this the end?

Fertility Specialist Visit One

We arrived at TMC Fertility Centre at about 8.40am. We were amazed at the 'messiness' of the hospital. There was a counter at the ground floor but no one was manning it. The nurses walking into the lift did not bother about us. Then we took the lift to the first floor for registration.

After taking down our particulars and other medical history in a little cramped podlike space, Marido and I was brought into a private room for sperm taking! It was a hilarious experience... suffice to say that we giggled quite a bit. I looked at the jar after it was filled up and was amazed to see so little of it!! Apparently the amount is more than normal (but how do I know, I never measured them before). The sperm count test took 1.5 hours .. so we went off to have breakfast.

At 11am, we were back at the centre and had to wait until 11.30 before the doctor could see us. Dr Lee was a soft spoken man (he looks almost sad!) and he started to look at Marido's sperm count. Everything was normal except for the morphology (the normal was above 5), Marido's is like 10.. excellent quality!! So, that rules out any problems on the man's side. Hhrrumph! Here he has Olympic champion swimmers and I am still not pregnant??

A vaginal scan came next... a penis like item that was coated in lubricant was just plugged into the vagina....it was freaky to see my eggs in the ovaries.... so many of them. The entire scan, finger probe (he dug his fingers in me!) only took a few minutes and was totally painless.. in fact, it tickled a bit. The scan showed nothing out of the ordinary. I am not sure if I sud feel relieved or bewildered. Relieved because there seems to be nothing wrong.... puji Allah! But bewildered cos .. so what could be wrong??

The doctor peered from his report to say that he wanted me to take Clomid to stimulation good ovulation and release of eggs.. and hastily reassured me that there is hardly any overstimulation of the ovaries in most cases. He also confirmed that there will be no physical side effects for most people. He then looked anxious to close the file and told me to visit on the 13th day of menstruation next month.

That cost us RM450 for sperm test, vaginal scan and doctor's fee.

I guess I felt relieved at this stage.. there was nothing actually wrong and so we still have a chance. However, there is this niggling irritation at the back of my mind that sometimes blows up to huge proportions (I think it may be aggravated by the fact that I am unemployed right now). Reading the books on getting pregnant did warn me about the slippery slope towards a strained marriage when it comes to a 'infertile' couple.

Well, more on this the next round.

My getting preggie endeavours

Cyn passed me a book titled "Catch me a Colobus" by Gerald Durrell. It's an old book by this zoo keeper about the antics of the animals in his zoo in London. He started writing books in order to be able to get money for the zoo that he was involved in. You can imagine how delighted I was to read stuff about animals. When I was younger, I positively loved James Herriot - Author of All Creatures Great & Small. But that is another story.

Back to this book, Mr D wrote about his attempts to breed the animals in the zoo. But leaving nature to run its course was not exactly a fruitful thing. After consulting another zoo keeper of another district that a successful breeding programme, he discovered that the animals needed to be feed a boost of vitamins and minerals made into something called "The Cake". The cake was easily made but when introduced to the animals produced no response as the animals refused to touch the cake. Even after starving them, the animals still refused to even sniff at the cake. The problem ended when he put some aniseed into the cake.. the animals went wild and proceeded to reproduce shortly after.

That started me thinking about my own reproductive self. Hmm.. I suppose I must be eating the right vitamins and minerals to get the body going. After researching about vitamins, I accidentally discovered (via an old ex-colleague) a book titled Comparative Guide to Nutritional Supplements by Lyle McWilliams. In this book, where he and his team researched 500 supplements in the North American market. They discovered that sadly.. very few products out there is well absorbed by the body. At the bottom of the list are products like ... er.. better not to tell.. cos it's quite popular here - only 5% absorption. The best products are 3 brands - Douglas Labs, Truehealth (both not in Malaysia) and Usana. These products have about 90++% absorption by the body. So I purchased my first few bottles of Usana and let's see how things go.

In any case, it's good to be taking good supplements that are actually used by the body. I had hardly taken vitamins anyway, except for EPO.

I am also planning to visit the TMC Fertility Centre this Monday for a total check-up. I just cannot continue not knowing what the situation is. I suspect that I may have endometriosis. This would explain my more painful than normal menstrual pains.

Well, more news later! Thanks for being with me.

Another little boy

I guess that when one is trying to get pregnant, one becomes more acutely aware of pregnant women or of people giving birth (now which philosopher said that??) Well, little Andrew is part of this world now and there are 2 baby Andrews in my life (dang! I really liked that name... looks like I can't name my future son Andrew after all).

Online greetings to both the parents... you are blessed!

On a more serious and weird note, I want to visit this kid and his parents but but the strange thing is that the father of the kid is my ex-bf... and I dunno how his wife will feel about it. And why do I want to visit the kid.. well, other than the fact that my old friends (whom are not close anymore due to our breakup a long time ago) whose friendship I am keen to renew are all going too. Also, I feel a little masochistic.. I want to see the child and then feel that strange feeling of "that could have been mine...." Not sure if this is good for my psyche.

Well,... maybe that would spur me to get a move on ....

Psst.. is your husband home?

The phone rang and called out to me saying "Gray calling!" My phone actually talks!

Me : Hello there!
Gray : Yes its me. I have been dying to talk to you the last few days but I had to make sure
that the coast was clear. This is a good time, right?
Me : No worries, he is at the office and he will be back late tonight.. very late.
Gray : Good! So when is he going away again...?
Me : This time, when he goes away, he is bringing me along.
Gray : For how many days.. ?
Me : 10 days
Gray : How am I going to survive not talking to you for 10 freaking days?
Me : Don't worry, I will email you and maybe skype. He won't know.. he does not check. He got suspicious once when you kept ringing me at night... but that's ok now.
Gray : What about his next trip away?
Me : Well, when we come back.. he will be very busy that weekend. Why don't you come up? I'll bet he will never realise that I disappeared for whole day.
Gray : Good, I will be there. I'll sms before I arrive. You know, I really can't wait to see you. It's been too long, way too long.
Me : At least I know that you are "fond" of me!
Gray : You got to be kidding... if you did not know that by now... u seriously need a knock on the head.. Have i not told you that your emails are what I look forward to all day? Hmm..I gotta go.. got some stuff to handle. I hate to end this call but *groan! Duty calls... I WILL talk to you later! Bye! *Click*

If Nimbus could speak....

I would like to think that I brought more joy to my 'owners' than they bring to me.... When they return home, I just meow a greeting or a scolding if they are late... then yawn and stretch. They however, start to meow in loud voices and click their tongues and toss me in the air, much to my horror and their immense delight. They definitely got the better deal than I did!

Nimbus Hong Kim Kat

Wife = Cat

My wife is like a cat. If you've tried herding cats, you will know what I mean.

Marido

Stories about my MIL

I was chatting to my MIL yesterday about stuff. I normally speak to her about once a month... not the typical dutiful DIL but I think that once a month is fine! Anyway, yesterday, I was telling her about being offered a job as a marketing manager for MNC ............ (it was only verbal hence I do not want to state here until it is confirmed). She was of course saying "Oh! How wonderful.. all the hard work paid off". And suddenly she started talking about her ex-DIL (aka Marido's ex-wife). She was raving that ex-DIL was doing so well in her job... managing to pick up the pieces after all that has happened... how the people in her company all liked her... and you know, stuff like that. After a while, I felt strange... was would my MIL talk about someone I clearly would prefer not to know about, in such glowing words. Hello!! I was talking about me in the first place. Why bring her up? I got this feeling that ex-DIL was more of a DIL to her than I am. Sigh!

Sometimes I wonder if MIL secretly wants Marido to go back to her! After all, I don't have a kid and 'things' aren't complicated yet? I just don't like to be compared to her! I feel a tinge of something green crawling over my heart.... I wonder if I am not 'big-hearted' enough for this.

It is during moments like this that I prefer not to talk too often with MIL. Just in case, my temper get the better of me.

The results of the visit to the Gynae

Dr Fatima listened to all my list below:

33 years old
TTC for 1 year and 2 mth *last year March.
My cycle used to be 28 days but this year has tapered out to 31 days
Last period came on the 19th May
We normally give it a go alternate days from day 10 to day 18.
A miscarriage in April last year- 1st time trying. Detected pregnant one week after missing period but fetus self aborted a few days later. No D+C as passed out fetal matter.
A blood test last year by a gynae for dunno what reason and am perfectly fine.
A pap smear and a HPV virus check in April 2007 and the results are good
Previous gynae said that my uterus is beautiful??

Husband is 41, not gone for sperm count.

Tried Ovulation kits but only tested once positive (3 months testing)

From the above, she concluded that, due to the change of days of menstruation cycle from 28 to 31, I may not be ovulating during some months. After some discussion, she recommended CLOMID. However, she cautioned that clomid may 'cause' ovarian cancer if one prolonged usage. Also, she checked my ovaries to ensure that there is no cysts otherwise this drug is not suitable for me as it aggravates the cysts.

I feel a bit strange about consuming clomid. Ovarian cancer!! A quick read on the internet revealed:

# Mikkelson et al. (1986) suggested that with repeated treatment cycles, clomid and its metabolites might build up, resulting in considerable exposure for the fetus.
# Furthermore, multiple gestations occur in 8-13% of pregnancies after use of clomid (Adashi et al., 1979; MacGregor et al., 1968; Harlap, 1976; Hack et al., 1972; Karrow et al., 1968).
# Several reports suggest a possible association between pre-ovulatory clomid use and increased frequency of pregnancy loss. Toshinobu et al. (1979) found a 24% SAB (spontaneous abortion) rate post-clomid use compared to a control group rate of 8.9%. Garcia et al. (1977) found a 25% SAB rate for pregnancies conceived after previous clomid use but which had been discontinued before conception.
# Perhaps the most controversial issue is the possible association between NTDs (neurall tubes defects) and clomid use. Between 1972 and 1990, 368 birth defects arising after clomid use by the mother were reported to the FDA. This number included 35 reports of NTDs (Rosa, 1990).
# The lifetime risk for ovarian cancer in the general population is 1.8%. Whittemore (1994) cites a 4-5% risk for women treated with clomid. Rossing (1994) evaluated this risk and the lengths of time women were on clomid and found that the relative risk for less than 1 year of treatment was 2.3. However, this risk increased to 11.1 for women treated for 1 year or longer (12 cycles).

After reading this, I think I better reevaluate my decision to use clomid. Hhmm.. I will give myself another month to think about this. In the meantime, I welcome any discussions and thoughts about this.

Am I infertile?

This seems such a weird topic to be writing about. I wrote a piece much earlier.. maybe 2 years earlier that "perhaps the decision then to have children is not from the fact that I SHOULD or WANT to but because I CAN".... and funnily... now I can't.

So in the quest of getting a child, I spent the first month having a miscarriage, the next three months feeling weird, the subsequent 6 months wondering if my husband will be around for us to try to have a kid and in the following 4 months watching in dismay as the trickle of fresh blood appears faithfully after each month.

I wonder what is wrong? Ok..ok..maybe I am getting paranoid... it's normal to have a kid in one year... but er.. it has been one month after the normal one year... or seriously.. am I too impatient? 2 good friends assured me that I should be a little worried and should start finding out why I can't seem to conceive.

There are a few questions that I have yet to answer... and I think that it is important to do so.
1. Ovulation problems: Do I ovulate regularly? – I dunno
2. Sperm problems: Is his sperm count OK? - I dunno either
3. Fallopian tube problems: Are my tubes open? – Was this even on my radar?

The strange thing is that my gynaecologist (Dr G - a famous one in Damansara Specialist Centre) is not even worried. He just ask me to do a pap smear and a HPV test to check for cervical cancer causing virus .. and the results were fine!! He just told me to come back again next year... what a doc????

This Friday, I will go for a second opinion with Dr Fatima, a gynae in Kelana Jaya Medical Centre. Hopefully she will be able to give me some idea as to the questions above.

Well,... at least I am taking some more action.

My phantom hopes becomes reality

I decided to go and watch Phantom of the Opera in Esplanade Theatre in Spore's Big Durian only one week before the show. I called Wonder Woman (WW) to see if her entourage could fit me in. She confirmed that there is still place and I should call the organiser to settle the rest of the details.

All this while, SISTIC's website showed me that the tickets for the 22nd April night was plenty. So I only bothered to book it on the Wednesday before... to my horror! after going all the way 'into' the website to book the tickets, I found out that there were no seats available! What a darn lousy website- it 'bluffed' me... waaahhh! I called the hotline and was told the same story!

I still wanted to go anyway.. even if I did not get to watch the show, there are other things to be done in that short 2 days one night jaunt into Asia Lite (that is what Marido calls Singapore).

So, at 12.30 am on Sunday morning, I had an sms from PH, a guy I have not ever met who was supposed to pick me up to take me to another person's house (whom I also never met), stating that he has had a bit too much to drink and hopes that he will wake up at the designated time. I woke up at 5 am and by 5.15 am, I was walking to the car park and spotted PH's black Honda. He got out of the car, a large looming shadow in the night (or should I say very early morning) and stuck out his hand and put his car keys in my hand and said "i think you should drive".

Yicks! I don't even know the guy! We drove in silence. I kept sneaking sideway glances at him. He was so tall that his head reached the roof of the car! And the mixture of his bald head, thick eyebrows and prominent nose seemed sinister in the darkness.

After I passed the Sg Buloh tol, he turned to me and said "We need to make a pitstop- pull over there." When I stopped the car, he jumped out and started puking over the guard rails. Oh dear... I quickly scanned his car for tissues and when I found them, I ran over to the other side of the car and mutely handed them to him. He just took them without a word as well.

Later, we stopped at the petrol station and he handed me his credit card. Since I was so used to Caltex, which needed a signature of the card holder... I looked dubiously at him and screeched "You mean you want me to forge your signature!". He looked amused "Just slot the card into the machine. There is no need for signatures." Duh! I felt stupid.

When we reached Valencia (a gated and guarded housing estate in the north), I parked the car and met the 2nd unknown person of the morning...whilst he calmly walked off to the trees for another puking session. I had to take his wallet and handphone out of the car for him. You know... for first time impression.. that was a really interesting one that I would not forget for a long time. What a heck of a pick up! You meet the guy for the first time, he hands you his car keys, then he passes you his credit card, allows you to mess around with his wallet and phone.... cool.. minus the puking of course!

But I digress, this write-up was supposed to be about Phantom of the Opera. I managed to get last minutes tickets that appeared miraculously on the screen of the ticket seller. Amazing! Don't ask why.. I just accepted it.

Phantom was not as impressive as I expected it to be. The lead female singing was a little bland.. and the phantom was prancing around like Batman and sometimes like a sissy. At the batman scenes, instead of feeling some 'fear' I was laughing terbahak bahak cos it was hilarious! All in all,..I felt so appreciative to be able to watch it. The wonder of the music, props and singing combination was lethal. I gotta watch Mz Saigon in future. And I am going to get Martin Guerre CD too.

In the picture above, there is the chandelier that everyone was talking about which was supposed to come crashing down but didn't. Below is the pix of saya at the entrance of the show!

Happy Easter

A dear guy friend sent this email to me. We have been having an email discussion on men and women... and how women always ask men to buck up and sometimes women themselves cease to buck up as well.

His email today was beautiful...As it is Easter which celebrates Jesus' death and resurrection, it was timely to affirm that God loves me infinitely. What a wonder to think that I am worth dying for!

"You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men. You are worth dying for."