Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A letter I dug up (written during my corporate working days)

My dearest Amiga,

I wonder when is a great time to call you and decided that writing the stuff down is better so that I can catch you at your good time. I have been silent lately as time seems to be so short to me. Just yesterday(Sunday), I was at work until almost 6pm and I went for a walk after that and after dinner, I just felt so tired that I konked out before Marido even joined me.

THe house is in a mess-actually I think that even if I had more time, it would still be a little messy cos tidiness is not on my priority- kekeke I don't know how long my silence was. Maybe you can remind me. But I really have been very quiet due to a variety of reasons. Mostly becos of the busyness of work.

I am not sure if you have heard from the others.. I am planning to resign from my work. It is a hard decision. I who have worked so long and hard in this Company that the idea of stepping away freaks me out. How could I survive not being a part of the largest trading house in South East Asia. I had become, instead of Ame the person/woman/friend/Child of GOd.., the Business Manager of Diethelm Keller Siber Hegner. I had elevated my position and my work in my company to an almost God like presence in my life. I had neglected my own Jesus who is sidelined to the peripherals of my life .. like only on weekends.

In a way, I believe that the pressures of the work lately has been a part of discipline/pruning so that my eyes are opened to the fact that I had neglected all else except my obsession with work. I had even forgotten my own husband's birthday. How can a wife forget a husband's birthday? I had commited a grave error. An error fortunately for him.. he will never know as the day after, the palm pilot reminded me and I made up for that error.

I was/am so darn scared that I am no longer part of that elephant (big company), no longer having a title behind me saying that I am of worth in the corporate world. My values of myself is so tied to the market place that I even not want to have a baby as that will interfere with my climbing up the ladder. (also when you work you kinda lose track of the baby thing)

I also very much resent the people saying things like " why are you working... your husband can support you what?" .... I sometimes wonder why I feel my hackles rise when I hear comments like that. I guess that is becos I want to be someone by my self and not becos I married a certain somebody. Marido teases me on this "of course people are going to see you differently, you married someone "of a different colour" and people will always have that 'perception'. If you wanted a normal life, you should have married one of your exes".

There is quite a lot that I have been deliberating. I know in the end that becos I had chosen to marry, I should naturally be part of the progression thereof.. ie having kids, being a super mom, and etc. My hats off to you for your courage and foresight. Marido thinks that you have planned and executed your life well.. getting married at an optimum age, had your first child and another one is on the way.

With all the things warring in my mind, I think that I need to take time off to reevaluate my life. I must be grateful that since GOd has blessed me with a husband who does not mind me not working for a while, I must take stock of my life. And I should let anyone make me feel any lesser.


Biow said...

this look so familiar.. :)

Mia said...

he he....

Spot said...

I was/am so darn scared that I am no longer part of that elephant (big company), no longer having a title behind me saying that I am of worth in the corporate world.

Remember how we (or was it just me) pointed out to you that you were being exploited by that elephant? That the promotion was meaningless if it didn't come with commensurate financial benefit?

The bigger the organisation, the smaller we are. Fancy titles are parcelled out to keep the worker ants happy.

A just that. A title. The more important measure of your worth to the company is whether they are responsive to your concerns, whether you are being paid comensurate with the job function. The amount of bonus.

Which is why I always say...perspective is important. It's so easy to lose sight of what's happening right in front of you or of how you are perceived by others.

Your worth in the corporate world will not be measured (by the corporate world itself) on the basis of title alone. In fact, titles count for very little if not backed up by salary level and track record. A Senior Manager is unlikely to even get called for interview if his salary was just say..RM3k.

A common question at interviews is ..what was your average bonus. That's a measure of how the company values your contributions.

At the end of the day, the most important measure of worth, is not from the perspective of the employer. What matters most is how you yourself recognise your own worth.

It all boils down to confidence. Being confident enough to believe "I'm worth more than this, I don't deserve to be treated like this and if you can't see that, your loss".

I hope all that doesnt sound too harsh. You know me. I call a spade a spade. I'm hoping that you'll know that I mean well.

And you know what? I salute your decision to resign. You had placed so much of your self-identity into the job that to even contemplate abandoning it would have taken A LOT of courage.

Actually resigning would effectively require you to rebuild your self-identity. And your confidence.

It shows that you recognised your own worth. Not only as an employee, but as a person.

The acknowledgement of an less than happy circumstance, of one's shortcomings in responding to that circumstance AND then pulling oneself out of it is something many people can't do. It takes a lot of strength. And you did it.

I'm glad that you walked away and that you've chosen to get more exposure via the MBA. It's another step in developing confidence in your own self-worth.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Find yourself. It's worth every step. And the only way for you to begin being true to yourself.

Mia said...

Wah... such a nice assurance. Yeah.. it was a good decision to leave. Now I'm feeling the 'fear' to go back in. But then again.. why worry about that now..

Back to the working in my ex-company. Really.. the bit when the GM said that all of us were a cost to the company..really made me mad!! I guess maybe that was her intention to make us leave. She just did not anticipate all of us leaving.. buahahah.. I so bad!

I really really love the MBA programme... love it to bits. I'm glad that I did it. Opened my eyes a bit to the mechanisms of the business world and also to people. Why... I want to do another programme if I can... har har.. can you imagine me with a PHD. My old friends in campus would have laughed their heads off.