Thursday, March 09, 2006

Because of You

Read Kelly Clarkson's Because of You lyrics for the first time today. It strangely reminded me of my mother... many bits of it.. altho not with the bitterness that Ms Clarkson screams...

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Yeah.. so I watched her die.. in my arms... I guess that would qualify me to be able to see the winged horses called Thestrals. I wonder if people who witnessed death are able to see things other cannot.... maybe not in that physical way but perhaps we do.. as though a veil has been lifted from our eyes.

Yes Ma.. I will not make the same mistakes you did. I will not let my heart (like your unforgiving heart) cause me so much misery. I must not break the way you did. Yet.. I will not allow your mistakes to stop me from embracing joyful things nor welcoming needed pain.. it is in the depths of sorrow that we can experience wondrous joy...

I knew you had to go Ma... you've been waiting for a long time. I knew you finally found joy!


Biow said...

*sob*.. ((hugs))

Spot said...

That was really, really moving.

The baggage of a mother's hope can be several times overweight, throughout a lifetime of flights.

I'm glad to see that you carry it well.

It's been interesting to watch your growth since you left your job. :)

Mia said...

Hmmm.. sometimes I see the scars my mother's pain and death left on my sister and I. If I could wish for her to be healthier longer (like she getting ill when my sister was like 13), I think that things would have been much different for us. But then again.. life throws us Lemons.. what do I do... I relish the lemons...yum!

I still remember Biow volunteering to stay with me on the night my mum died and Spot for giving me a great big hug... thanks guys...

How have I grown since leaving the job? I still wish to go back but wonder if I will still be slogging away again like I used to or has my eyes been enlightened?

Open the eyes of my heart!